I sleep because I’m scared.
I’m scared of what I know I’m capable of.
I’m scared of information. Because once you learn something, you can’t unlearn it. And sometimes that can lead to action. The type of action that freaks me out.
I sleep because I’m scared to embark on an adventure that could consume all parts of me. An adventure that begs me to stay connected, dig for information, ensure my people are happy and healthy.
My adventure is already moving forward fairly aggressively. I blink and two months have passed. I blink and my cats are obese. I blink and I’m starting graduate school.
I sleep because I know I’m powerful. And not the powerful as in I am better than you or stronger or superior. Everyone is powerful. But I know it and I feel it and I know I can use it for the good of the people I serve. That scares me.
I sleep because there are things right now in my life that really confuse me. If I sleep, I don’t have to be bothered with the thoughts, wondering what the tipping point was to make him stop in his tracks to stop communicating with me. Wondering how I can possibly save up enough money to ever buy a house with student loan debt, an expensive apartment and a love for sushi, fro yo, pizza and um, everything else.
I sleep because I hate to disappoint people and when I’m sleeping, everything is forgiven. Oh, you fell asleep? Way more acceptable than, Oh, you bailed because you wanted to binge watch Girls? (The answer being yes.)
I sleep because I don’t know the answers. I don’t know how I’m going to revitalize an area of Des Moines faced with layer after layer of complications. One step forward, two steps back. The people I connect with suddenly forget who I am and why I keep showing up at their meetings. The people with power don’t know my name. I have no money. Getting grants is competitive and hard. Helping others can mean spending hours of listening, hearing the stories of extreme living conditions and not being able to do a damn thing about it.
I sleep because things are quiet. My cats cuddle up, my comforter warms me up, my phone goes into night mode and there’s peace. The world shuts down, as do I.
I sleep because that is how I deal with my fears, my failures, my inability to “figure it out” in my job. We all have our vices. Some people binge eat, watch a ton of shows, drink. I sleep to rid myself of the questions I may or may not ever have answers to.
I sleep because that is what works for me. For now.
Until I can embrace the power, the challenge, the late nights and the incredibly rewarding battle ahead.
Oh yeah, I also sleep because I’m a human and I get tired.
[My Friday Fives are a space for me to highlight accomplishments, joys, happy things. It doesn’t leave a lot of room to express challenges, failures, honest fears. But it’s something I love to do. Shed some light on the imperfect.]